Motherhood AND that fun job: you can do both!

Written by Loes Waanders

Work and motherhood: how do you combine this without compromising on your own ambitions and being a fun parent at home? Many women struggle with this. 

The urge to want to meet all the demands in the workplace is diametrically opposed to the (implicit) expectations of women in our society: namely, that of being primarily responsible in terms of “care” and “household chores. Therefore, this is one of the reasons that many men experience this struggle less strongly. 

By the way, it is not only a question that concerns women with children. In my work I also regularly speak to women without children who wonder whether working parenthood fits into their lives and how to properly prepare for it.  

Why is it that so many women get stuck in the career/family combination?

Perhaps this is recognizable to you:

• Constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself to (male) colleagues

• Annoying comments or misunderstanding from the environment

• Doubts about being a good mother because you choose to combine your career with motherhood

• A short fuse to your child(ren) because you have too much on your mind  

This can manifest itself in feelings of guilt, insecure thoughts, fretting, lack of job satisfaction, always being “on” all the time, a short fuse to your child or in your relationship, among other things. Just some examples that I often see in my work as a remedial educationalist (MSc.) passing by. A shame, because working motherhood can give you SO much. I’ll tell more about that later. 

But first: why is it that so many women struggle with this? And why does this topic play so much less with men? 

1. First, the prevailing societal “norm in which the man is still seen as the breadwinner and the woman as the chief caregiver. If you, as a woman, choose to work full-time, you are deviating from that which is “normal. These societal beliefs are deeply embedded in ourselves and our environment. Our brain responds with a kind of alarm: “That what you are doing is not normal,” regardless of the fact that you can rationally judge that this choice works for you.  
2. Also your own upbringing plays a big role. From an early age, you build a framework of what is “normal. Many mothers of the generation of women now active in working life worked part time or cared entirely for children. This aspect contributes to your unconscious image of what “good motherhood” should look like.  
3. The Dutch work culture: 38% of women start working fewer hours after the birth of the first child compared to only 9% of men. If you compare this to Sweden (where I live), you see that the vast majority of women continue to work full-time after having children. Because the norm is different, it directly affects how the environment evaluates behavior and choices.  
4. In addition role models crucial. Most executives are mostly (white) men which contributes to the perception that the “ambitious employee” is male. 
5. Lastly, the prevailing belief Of “good motherhood. Which implies that as long as you put enough time and attention into your child, you will create a happy and joyful child. We know from research and practice that this is not true at all. After all, it’s not about quantity (amount of hours) but quality: that is, how present you are at the times you are with your child.

Now you have insight into the causes, but much more interesting is to see what you yourself can do to suffer less from guilt, stress or feeling inadequate as a mother or employee. 

Five helpful tips in a row:

• Know what works for you. Awareness = key. One in three part-time women do not do so by choice. How is that with you, are you happy with how your situation is? So look at the points above: to what extent do (implicit) opinions or judgments influence your choices? Next, determine a separately what your ideal situation looks like: how many days do you work, how do you envision caring for you/your child? 
• You can do a lot, but to be at the top it is more important to do some things with full attention  and let go of others. let go or (temporarily) give it less priority. You can’t do everything (perfectly) and that’s ok. Let go of things that take energy or distract you from what is important, outsource things (e.g. housework) and discuss the division of care/household tasks with your partner if you run a household together.
• Don’t compare with others. Those mothers who help with weekly craft afternoons at school have made a different choice than you. Not better, but otherwise.  Also know that no matter what choice you make:  you never really get it right. In fact, research shows that women are seen as less involved when they work full-time. While women who work part-time are seen as less ambitious. Once again, then, confirmation that it is important to focus on what energizes you.
• Set your bar in parenthood at a realistic height. You are probably used to doing everything right or perfect in your job. Know that in parenthood this is not realistic: you are not a “perfect” parent from day 1. You don’t have to: your child doesn’t need it at all. Who learns much more from you if you also make mistakes and show what is difficult for you. 
• Discuss what you need clearly with your supervisor. Don’t expect another person to sense this automatically. You may find that working 40 hours on location drains you because of the travel distance. But is this feeling completely different when you can work from home one day so you can pick up your child yourself that day.
• Are you yourself employed in a leadership position? Know that you are a are important key to change. For example, do not schedule meetings at 6 p.m. and also name why not, offer flexible working and ask your employees what they need to combine parenthood with their ambitions. This openness is crucial to show: you can have both!

No children yet? How do you properly prepare for the career+family combination?

• On the Internet you are bombarded to death with sweet maternity pictures. Much more helpful is to start the conversation with working women in your area who are combining a career with motherhood. So, the real deal: how do they experience it? What do they experience as challenges and how do they deal with them? What tips do they have for you? Also mention that you are curious about honest stories rather than just the pretty side. 
• Have the conversation with your partner beforehand. And not just about the color of the baby’s room, but especially the practicality. How do you envision the work/family combination? What is important to you and what is important to your partner? In terms of working hours, division of care responsibilities, housekeeping. Because did you know that half of couples want to share these tasks equally, but in practice only 10% manage to do so? Many struggles you can tackle beforehand (e.g., division of labor, arranging a nice babysitter) but also keep room to change things once your baby arrives. You will find that certain things feel different the moment your baby arrives. feel the space to discuss this with your partner, employer and make different choices in this.

Finally…also focus on the ‘wins’ of working motherhood

• You are the example for your child. You show that you are capable of taking good care of yourself and making choices that make you happy. An incredibly valuable lesson that your child will take with him throughout his life
• Those important role models that we still miss so much today are you!
• Do you have a job that gives you energy, fulfillment and satisfaction? Then this not only contributes to greater job satisfaction but it also ensures that you  evening with more patience and fun with your child = win for both so!

In short: choosing a career that energizes you is anything but a selfish choice. It is such an important part of taking good care of yourself. Knowing where your needs lie and acting on them ensures that you feel good about yourself and that everyone around you benefits: your child(ren), partner, employer. 

P.s.
Know that it is not crazy if after reading this article you are wondering, “Nice all these tips, but I can’t figure it out myself.” Or maybe your bucket has been overflowing for a long time. You’re really not the only one. Know that you don’t have to do it alone. Asking for help in parenting is often still a taboo as is pursuing a career as a mother. But both are a form of self-care. Could you use help with this? Every year I hold a number of spots free for 1:1 programs and in addition, twice a year I start my group program specially developed for ambitious women with (young) children who are looking for more fun in their work and peace in their heads.

Want to read more about what Loes Waanders can do for you?

This guest blog was written by
Loes Waanders
, (Orthopedagogue, MSc.). She coaches working women with (young) children on parenting issues and the combination of work & family.  

Sources:

• CBS & SCP (2018) Emancipation Monitor.
• Heilman, M.E.,& Okimoti, T.G. (2008). “Motherhood: a potential source of bias in employment decisions”. 
• Okimoto, T.G. & Hielman, M.E. (2012). The “bad parent” assumption: How gender stereotypes affect reactions to working mothers.