Economic oppression is a form of domestic violence that needs much more attention. From research conducted by the Radboudumc reveals that 42 percent of women experiencing domestic violence are also victims of economic oppression. But what about financial dependence in a relationship? In the Netherlands, Elfin spoke with relationship therapist Nynke Nijman about the signs and dangers. Because when does dependency exist, and more importantly, how do you make such a thing negotiable? In this article tips what to do if you are financially dependent on your partner.
Nynke Nijman is a couples therapist, psychologist and author of the book Relationship APK. She is also podcast host of Sex, Relationships & Love and producer of the podcast Relationship Questions, among others.
Financial dependence
In the Netherlands, 44% of women are financially dependent on their partners. 56% of women are independent, meaning they earn at least the minimum wage. Financial dependence can be dangerous, especially if you want to get away from your partner (or vice versa) or if your partner dies. If you find yourself on your own, and you have a sizable pension gap and you don’t have enough income to support yourself, it’s not pleasant, to say the least.
Why many women in the Netherlands are dependent has partly to do with choices couples make. When children arrive, 39% of women start working less, and 5% stop working altogether. There is nothing wrong with doing less paid work, but if that means you take on more unpaid housework, it is very important to make good arrangements with your partner.
The signals
Nijman emphasizes that there is a difference between dependency and partner violence, but is clear in what she equates with financial dependency. “If you feel it’s not right, that’s your signal. Listen to that feeling, because it indicates that a relationship is not equal. In fact, it often manifests itself in not feeling seen or valued. It may only be a feeling, but that’s what makes it so important. It is about recognition, appreciation and trust within your relationship. For example, a very clear signal of financial dependence is that you have to ask permission from your partner before you spend money. Some consultation is normal when it comes to a week-long vacation, but you should have the freedom to go away for a weekend with a friend or have a bite to eat if you want. It’s about a certain autonomy. I can hardly imagine anyone not wanting that.”
Discussability
But just how important is financial equality in a relationship? Nijman: “It is especially important that it is negotiable. Equality is not in earning the same amount or depositing the same percentage into an account. It’s in clarity about expectations and responsibilities. Often a housewife is seen as a dependent partner, but that does not have to be the case in the emotional experience. It’s good to put a value on that. You can discuss it if there is a direct cause. Don’t enter the conversation at the moment of conflict or escalation, because then you are in the emotion and can’t articulate yourself as well. But within a week, say, “I noticed that in that and that situation I found it annoying to have to ask you for permission. It’s good to express how things relate to each other.”
” In the end, always have something taken care of for yourself.”
Mutual dependence
According to relationship therapist Nijman, establishing agreements is already a form of financial independence. “Always lay everything out in advance, even before you get to a point where you risk breaking off a relationship. Make sure you build in financial security. If your partner says “Sorry, but I find that ridiculous,” you have the choice, for example, to already work more yourself. A certain amount of dependence on each other in a relationship is not a bad thing, but that also says it right away: on each other. By making clear agreements, you create a mutual dependence. It is very important anyway to make financial arrangements in glory days and not when shit hits the fan. Is there a value for one day less of work by one of the partners? Record this in your preconditions.”
For example, if you take care of the children one more day, that has a clear value. This is not only what it saves in cost of childcare, but more importantly the other way around. What is it worth when you work that day? Nijman: “Don’t get too naive and careless about being financially dependent. In the end, always have something taken care of for yourself.”
Want to get started with your independence, but have no idea where to start? Start with Elfin. Easily, reliably and safely take the first small steps to taking good care of yourself financially.
